Dear Bor Bor

My dear daughter, it's been almost three weeks since you've left me. It has been a while since we've been apart for so long. We've always been close to each other from the day that you were born. I remember putting on plastic gloves before touching you for the first time. I remember hearing you squeal for the first time when you first crawled out of the cardboard box somehow. The floor must've been so cold for you at the time. You smelled like some kind of milk at the time when you were a kitten. Your mother only came back for one kitten out of the three, so we took you in when you were only a few days old. You were so delicate, since you rarely had a chance to drink milk from your own mother. You had worms and we all took turns caring for you. I remember wearing gloves every time I touched you for the first few months. I was so happy when you first learned how to use the litter box. My mother would not allow me to take you inside my room, but I secretly did it anyway. I wrapped you up like a baby or burrito, and studied next to you. You were so tiny and precious... everyone told me I was touching you too much and was becoming too attached to you. I wasn't always allowed to take you inside my room at night, but I would still do so discretely. I remember when you peed on my jacket and I wore it to school, I didn't even know you peed on it until I was already in 4th period! My parents were super duper busy, so I didn't know what to do and I ended up being stuck with that jacket with your pee on for the rest of my day at school. I was upset at the time because I was simply ignorant. I did not know much about cats' instincts and nature. We had internet, but not a lot of established articles were written and readily available if I remember correctly. One of the first things I taught you was how to climb the ladder. I wanted you to know how to get to me, and you fell down after a few tries when you were a kitten. Do you remember? You hit your head and I cried because I was so worried! Well... to make this long letter short, you've turned from my friend to bff to my daughter after I moved out. I decided to be your mother because I took on full responsibility after I moved out about 5 and a half years ago. I took care of every aspect of your life. I made sure you had quality food, good litter (dust free or natural), good living environment and plenty of love. I stopped smoking occasionally as well after we lived together because I did not want you to be a victim of second hand smoke. Even if I did smoke, I'd take my clothes off immediately before I stepped back in and showered right away. It sounds like exaggeration, but I really did and you saw it. I switched over to natural cleaning products as well, so I really didn't think you'd suffer from asthma of all things. Life is strange.. isn't it? I know you really enjoyed my homemade bread and sweet buns. I miss seeing you eat. Haha, you looked so adorable when you'd drool over my food. Mama... is thankful for you. You've taught me how to be independent without knowing it. I wasn't just caring for myself, but you as well because my love for you started to become unconditional. Your love for me was always unconditional, it took time for me to realize how much you loved me from your actions. Thanks so much for showing me what it meant to be loved unconditionally and genuinely. Thanks for making me smile everyday. Thanks for staying by my side whenever I did mundane things at home. Thanks for sitting patiently in the carrier while I drove back and forth from Davis to the bay area. Thanks for licking me whenever I was sad. Thanks for coming to me every time I called for you. Thanks for sitting by me whenever I studied or surfed the net. Thanks for staying next to me when I took a bath even though you didn't exactly love the water. Thanks for sleeping by my side every night. Thanks for checking up on me every time I was sick. Thanks for letting me put ridiculous outfits on you. Thanks for posing for photos. Thanks for not scratching me whenever I made you record stupid videos with me. Thanks for allowing me to kiss you so much. Thanks for putting your claws away every time I played with you. Thanks for loving me even when I am not perfect. Man.. the list really goes on Bor Bor. Mama is so thankful for all the beautiful memories. Remember.. you've NOT made me sad ever in your entire lifetime. =) Sorry I did not say my final goodbye with a smile on my face. Sorry you had to see me cry so much during your last few days on earth. Sorry... I was so weak and useless. I know my presence made you feel slightly better, sorry... mama could not do better. Mama is still crying everyday, isn't that kind of pathetic? I promised you I'd be strong and that you could leave this world with no worries. Sorry... mama will try her best to keep this promise to you. Thanks for everything my dear daughter. You loved me so much when no one else did. You loved me even though I am not perfect. I love you so much and I will always love you. I know I will slowly get used to not having you around, but I want you to know it doesn't mean I will forget about you. I will move forward with all the lessons you've taught me and all the beautiful memories are forever engraved in my heart. No matter what happens... the spot you have in my heart will never disappear. Love you always.

P.S. Mama took a lot of photos and videos of you while you were living happily on Earth. Hope you are flying around with your beautiful wings. Does the rainbow bridge really exist?

Love,

Mama.