December 10th 2016. RIP

This has got to be the WORST year I have ever had in my life. Bor Bor... passed away. My world didn't just turn upside down, but shattered into a million pieces. It wasn't easy growing up in a dysfunctional family for me before she came into my life. I would constantly cry by myself in my room, and I always kept things to myself because of my childhood. I found happiness in raising this adorable kitten that I found in the backyard. We started sharing a bed at night and doing every little thing at home together. It all changed when we moved to Union City, I got my first boyfriend and my parents only allowed them to stay in the garage. Our interaction had lessened a lot, but I still checked up on her daily or so. I did decide to take veterinarian assistant class at this time, in order to learn how to care for her properly. This proved to be helpful in the last few months when I was caring for her. My time with her significantly lessened after I started college and working concurrently, and I'd play with her once a week or maybe sometimes twice a month. I finally moved out to college and I took her along with me. I wasn't used to her marking territory everywhere and puking at first; however, I was able to adjust to it and even changed my entire lifestyle to fit hers. I started vacuuming a few times a week, reading labels before buying her food, buying quality cat litter. After living with her a few years, I became more health conscious and switched over to natural cleaning products slowly for our health. I thought she would live for at least 16 years because I felt like I was doing my best to take care of her. I scooped daily because Davis was hot and the bacteria growth rate would be sped up due to that. I never fed her junk during the 5 years we lived together. She got her regular checkups, so I was really shocked when her health deteriorated so quickly in the last few days. None of the treatments were able to control her attacks. I watched helplessly and in the back of my mind, I knew she probably had a few days left and I was right... I didn't want to be right god damn it. I haven't been able to sleep ever since her condition seemed to have worsened. I got sick from stress and lack of sleep, then was hit with a mild fever two days in a row. Bor Bor still managed to jump on me a few times to check on me, even though she WAS actually very sick herself. How could she love me so much? That unconditional love... so pure and authentic which is one of the reasons why I have a lot of love for her. I didn't want to give up even though she didn't respond to two treatments. I had her get supportive care before bringing her back home to have my family see her one last time. In the back of my head, I want to blame myself for many little things and beat myself up for it. I know the reality is 14 yo for a cat isn't young and she's been through a lot with me. The only time she's made me sad is today, but I have never been upset at her for destroying my tangible things or what not. Those things are replaceable any time, but not my time and bond with her. I always told my family that... I didn't mind her marking and cleaning because I can always buy a new one or clean up. What's the point of getting mad especially when it's her instinct. I can't explain how much I love her and I've done a lot of things physically to show it. I know she knows it. I was always so proud of her calmness whenever I took her to vet for checkups. I will always love you Bor Bor. I don't think I'd ever want another cat or pet in my life. My heart hurts so much at this point, and I really can't sleep. I thought maybe I'd feel a sense of relief after she had passed because it would mean for her to be in a better place and not suffering. I do slightly, but I feel more grief and pain than anything else. I know these emotions are normal, but I hope I can cope....